Get over yourself!!!

Are you perfect? Of course not. And I shall tell you a secret… I am not perfect either. In fact, no one is. So I never understand why people seem so afraid to admit it.

It is human, at the most basic level. We can’t control it, prevent it or stop it. So we might as well get used to it. By accepting that we are going to make mistakes, we take some of the pressure from ourselves. And, interestingly, the less pressure we are under, the less mistakes we make.

Making mistakes is one thing. Repeatedly making the same mistakes is quite another. The only way we can better ourselves is to learn from the mistakes. Generally, the more painful the mistake, the fewer times it will be repeated. Those who refuse to learn from history are doomed to repeat it. I believe the definition of insanity is shockingly similar.

Of course, the only way to accept your mistakes and move on from them is to accept responsibility for them. And I think this is where the real issue begins. Accepting responsibility means not only accepting you were wrong, but accepting the consequences for that action. And consequences often suck. They can be cross employers, upset families, disappointed friends, or even worse, disappointment in ourselves. But remember, if it didn’t hurt, would you have learned from it? Nope!

As someone whose mental health problems mean I feel emotions extremely strongly, I, more than most, understand how important certain emotions are. In fact, believe it or not, I think the emotion with the least genuine use is also one that feels amazing. Lust.

It is never nice feeling bad, but if you understand why you are feeling those emotions, you can come to understand what you need to do to change them, how they can help you to do that. Never underestimate your ability to understand your body.

‘So-so’, ‘meh’, ‘blah’, ‘così-così’, ‘okay’, ‘fine’, and ‘doing well’.

I am okay at the moment. Some members of my family have even noted that I am ‘doing well’… and I can’t disagree. I certainly seem to be on a relatively even keel, for now at least. Which is lovely. Brilliant, even. We should be grateful for the small things.

And yet, today, I have cried. Sobbed even. Why? There isn’t a reason. Nothing has happened to cause the tears. No one has upset me. Nothing has ‘triggered’ me. There is no reason for it other than my body deciding I needed a good cry.

It has made me think, which is never a good sign! For me, ‘doing well’ is managing to maintain the flat to a non-embarassing standard, not fighting the urge to self harm all the time, and not getting myself into completely disastrous situations. It struck me today that wanting to be happy might be asking for too much. There is no such thing as a ‘happily ever after’. Perhaps plodding along is the best I can hope for. And despite the rather depressing stance of that comment, it is actually quite reassuring. It is no good chasing after unobtainable impossibilities.

I would give my left arm (I need my right one) to feel like this every day for the rest of my life. I might not be happy, but I am no unhappy either. And having been so very unhappy at times in my life, I can see what a blessing it is to feel the way I do now. I think one of the best emotions we can feel is pride. It pushes us to be better, feel better, and do better. It doesn’t matter that its opposite is distinctly longer lasting. When my daughter moves up  a reading group, I feel proud of her. When she pronounces a word correctly that I didn’t learn until I was a lot older, I feel proud. I feel proud when I look at her and realise that we must have done something right to have her.

Pride also creates respect. I am really proud of my Mum for some of her recent actions, I am proud of my brothers for becoming the men they have. I am proud of my sister and her new fiancé. And I am proud of myself, and my strength, too. I am proud of this blog too, I can’t change the world, but helping the odd reader, even in a small way, is definitely something that make me proud. And whilst too much pride (specifically in oneself) is never a good thing, in moderation it can change a life more quickly than you can blink an eye.

Gratitude is equally important. I am not so stupid as to believe that I would have made it this far without my family, and my Dad and Grandma in particular.

So here is to all of me. I might be high on morphine (prescribed), going mad from lack of alcohol, going mad from lack of salt, weigh, way too much (that was very clever, I know!), crazy, loopy, loyal, opinionated and  infuriating. But I have all I need… my family.

Next time I dip, and it will happen, at least I have enjoyed just a few months of plodding along. Who knows, maybe plodding along really is true happiness.

Tug of war… the difficult decisions.

If you have a loved one with mental health problems, you will understand perfectly what I am about to write. Mental health problems are very, very hard to deal with. I know from experience that I can be perfectly happy in one moment, and then 2 seconds later being exceedingly angry, or even upset. It is disturbing for me, but most disturbing for those around me. They have to judge what to say, when and how to say it, and when to back off. They have gotten very good at reading my signals, and try their best to help when I need it. But I know it is hard on them!

The better you know someone, the more you will understand trigger points etc. Sometimes, however, the person suffering with mental health problems is not aware they are going into that dark and twisty place. I have gone down without knowing before. I stopped taking my meds, stopped getting out of bed even.  So once again,  the had to step in. And I would fight them every step of the way.

Recently,  there have been a few people in my life that I love dearly going through a similar thing.  For example, one of my siblings is deeply depressed. He doesn’t think he is, and, as is all so common in depression (and men too), he refuses to anything about it. If you have had depression in the past, you will know that your motivation to do anything just disappears And gradually you  fade away. It is awful to watch. You gradually lose friends as you don’t want to go out. You  stop socialising with your family, you lose interest in everything that involves any effort whatsoever. Generally, we start out softly  softly, and each time we receive little/ no response, we up the ante.

A  WORD  OF CAUTION

It  is a tug of war. The object of the ‘game’ here is to get them over that line, back to the world of the living. Tug them too hard, however, and they will fall flat on their face. Be careful, fragile things break easily.

Another poem

The tablets trickle down my throat, I feel the power within

My body is my minds scapegoat for all the pain I’m in

I’m feeling so much better now, the pain has gone inside

My minds no longer on the prowl, the hurt has stepped aside.

I’ll be pain free for just a week before the hurt returns

And then my mind will get so bleak, to tablets I will turn

To stop the pain, just one more time, and make my stomach churn

And tell myself I’ll be just fine as my insides start to burn

I’ve ended up in hospital,connected to a drip

Just one last time I tell myself, as that clock begins to tick.

 

Hey! This is a poem I wrote about 4/5 years ago. It was a darker period in my life, but the poem shows a huge insight into my life and thought processes! I hope you enjoy it! I have worked hard on my poems, so please don’t copy them or claim it as your own. If you come and ask me (lamentsofaloon@gmail.com/ comments box) I will definitely say yes. So please just ask! If permission is granted, I would require the poem to remain exactly as it is written, with credit to me and a link to this blog.

 

Thank you!!!!

50 Shades of Grey; Not Black and White!

Mental health is never black and white. There is no cut and dry statement that applies to everyone. You could speak to a million people with mental health problems. No matter what their problems are, or what their past is like, their story will be unique.

Some recent comments on this blog  have made assumptions about what self harm is. The assumptions that were made are absolutely commonplace, and something I am trying to tackle in this blog. I can’t go out and change the world, but if I can educate the odd person, make someone feel special, let someone know they are not alone or show them where to get support, it is worth talking about the difficult bits.

Now that is out of the way, I will explain the different types of self harm.

• Suicide

One of the most obvious reasons for self harm is to kill yourself. If you are in that much pain, it might seem like the only way to make it stop. Whist I have overdosed too many times to count, there have only been three genuine suicide attempts in the last decade. I had a friend kill herself 6 years ago. And nobody had a clue she felt so down. That is certainly not an isolated incident. Most suicides come as a complete shock to the friends and family.

• Attention Seeking

This is what I have been accused of in my previous blog post. Which is interesting seeing as they don’t know me. But never the less I will explain this the best I can. Overdosing is a terrible of getting attention. It cannot be seen from the outside. More than that, attention seekers don’t actually want pain at all, they want attention. As explained in my previous blog- overdosing really bloody hurts! Whilst generally attention seekers don’t want pain, sometimes their need for sympathy pushes them to more serious things like slitting the wrists. That is more likely to happen when their friends and family are so used to it they stop giving the attention and get cross instead.

Also, those wanting attention figure out quite quickly that it doesn’t work if you tell people every time you self harm. They get bored quickly. And that is when the short-sleeved t-shirts get pulled out of the draw, and they make sure that their ‘cuts’ (usually scratches, of course there are exceptions to the rule) are only just visible. Like they are trying hide them, but they missed a bit. Because of my problems when I was younger, my siblings got a bit lost from time to time. My sister did the above in an attempt to get some attention. Fortunately it stopped pretty quickly after some good support.

• Getting Rid of the Pain

This is the one that applies to me. In fact, this is the top reason for self harming in general. Certainly most the people I have spoken to about self harm over the years have indicated this is why they do it. There are a couple of different though processes around this point. For example, for people who cut, I have been told it is like all the pain is flowing out of their body. As for me, I specifically overdose so I am not left with scars. When I overdose it is because my head is in SO much pain I need to create a distraction from it. The extreme pain that comes from overdosing distracts me from the pain in my head, at least for a while.

Please have a look at my next post which is a poem I wrote four years ago now. That might help you understand a little more. To that particular commenter, please feel free to email me at lamentsofaloon@gmail.com That way, whenever you want to make a comment based on assumptions, you can email me so I can clear up anything that isn’t true.

I don’t pretend to know it all, because that would be impossible. I am not a medical professional, and, as I repeat a lot (sorry!) everything I post is based on my experiences and what I have seen an heard from others.

Once again, I will link to my crisis box. If you want me to make one up for you and post it to you let me know. You can email lamentsofaloon@gmail.com if you are interested.

Here are some posts you may find helpful

What to do in a crisis

Surviving rock bottom