I am okay at the moment. Some members of my family have even noted that I am ‘doing well’… and I can’t disagree. I certainly seem to be on a relatively even keel, for now at least. Which is lovely. Brilliant, even. We should be grateful for the small things.
And yet, today, I have cried. Sobbed even. Why? There isn’t a reason. Nothing has happened to cause the tears. No one has upset me. Nothing has ‘triggered’ me. There is no reason for it other than my body deciding I needed a good cry.
It has made me think, which is never a good sign! For me, ‘doing well’ is managing to maintain the flat to a non-embarassing standard, not fighting the urge to self harm all the time, and not getting myself into completely disastrous situations. It struck me today that wanting to be happy might be asking for too much. There is no such thing as a ‘happily ever after’. Perhaps plodding along is the best I can hope for. And despite the rather depressing stance of that comment, it is actually quite reassuring. It is no good chasing after unobtainable impossibilities.
I would give my left arm (I need my right one) to feel like this every day for the rest of my life. I might not be happy, but I am no unhappy either. And having been so very unhappy at times in my life, I can see what a blessing it is to feel the way I do now. I think one of the best emotions we can feel is pride. It pushes us to be better, feel better, and do better. It doesn’t matter that its opposite is distinctly longer lasting. When my daughter moves up a reading group, I feel proud of her. When she pronounces a word correctly that I didn’t learn until I was a lot older, I feel proud. I feel proud when I look at her and realise that we must have done something right to have her.
Pride also creates respect. I am really proud of my Mum for some of her recent actions, I am proud of my brothers for becoming the men they have. I am proud of my sister and her new fiancé. And I am proud of myself, and my strength, too. I am proud of this blog too, I can’t change the world, but helping the odd reader, even in a small way, is definitely something that make me proud. And whilst too much pride (specifically in oneself) is never a good thing, in moderation it can change a life more quickly than you can blink an eye.
Gratitude is equally important. I am not so stupid as to believe that I would have made it this far without my family, and my Dad and Grandma in particular.
So here is to all of me. I might be high on morphine (prescribed), going mad from lack of alcohol, going mad from lack of salt, weigh, way too much (that was very clever, I know!), crazy, loopy, loyal, opinionated and infuriating. But I have all I need… my family.
Next time I dip, and it will happen, at least I have enjoyed just a few months of plodding along. Who knows, maybe plodding along really is true happiness.