Giving up hope.

I have tried to be positive in all my posts, at least in a small way. But recently things seem to have spiralled so out of control I am not sure there is any room left in the confusion to ‘come back’. It is a truly terrifying place to be.

Unfortunately I was bad enough this time that I have not only planned the time and manner of my death but also I have written my notes. One to each member of my family and a whole bunch to my daughter covering her wedding day, first boyfriend, first baby, first period, being bullied at school etc etc

That is a scary place to be as well. I am currently in therapy every week day, and it is truly awful but I promised I would give it a go. They have 4 weeks to help me see the light I guess.

And yes, I still believe that suicide is the single most selfish thing anyone can do. But I am so tired of it all. I am so tired of fighting. I hope I get up and realise what an idiot I am being in time. Genuinely I do. As I told the psychotherapist I don’t actually want to die – I simply want the pain to stop. And at the moment I can’t see a way to make that happen. It isn’t like I haven’t tried loads of therapy and counselling before. I believe the premise of Psychotherapy is that if you talk about the bad bits enough they don’t affect you so much in the future.

Well I have spoken about what happened to me plenty of times over the years, to all sorts of different people, and it still hurts just as much now as it ever did so I don’t hold out much hope. But if I really were to kill myself I would want to make sure I tried my hardest to stay first.

Hopefully I will look back on this in a year or two and recognise it is just a particularly dark patch – but I am cutting it a little close even for me.

On a different note, I have to say the mental health services are slowly improving. For once they actually helped, even if that help meant putting me on a dangerous and ill-managed inpatient ward for a few days. There is a brilliant new service called a crisis house however, and that really did help. It is just like a normal (but huge) house, with enough room for 4 people (it will be 5 when the last room is finished). So it is small, 5 days a week, staff 24/7 and just generally a nice place to be. It is easy to get caught up in the drama though, you are hearing about other people’s darkest secrets in the therapy and that isn’t easy, especially as I often take on other people’s problems rather than facing my own. It isn’t easy to listen to the worst bits of other people’s lives, and the pity is pretty hard to swallow too. But I have met some really nice people so that is a bonus.

So generally, things are pretty shit at the moment. I hope things look up soon because I am on the edge and rather frightened I am going to fall off.


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