Today was interesting. When I woke up, I was terrified. I had an appointment to see if I was a good candidate for a very intense Psychotherapy course. Why was I so scared? I have tried before, that’s why. My first psychotherapy session was a disaster. I got no feedback for what I was saying, I opened up, and could have done exactly the same thing talking to a brick wall. I went home after opening all these ‘Pandora’s boxes’, leaving me vulnerable.
Today, however, I decided to try again. I have been told by various professionals that this treatment really will be the best course of action for me. I have had a long, intense, mental battle over this. I am terrified that the same thing will happen again. I am terrified I will be left vulnerable and alone, and unable to cope.
On the flip side, I need to get better. I am determined I will NEVER let my mental health problems destroy me. I have taken far worse and managed to get up. I know I will have the support of my family, as they always have. And because of that, I know I can lean on their immense strength (whether they believe they have it or not) when my own strength wanes.
This psychotherapy has a waiting list of about 1 year at the moment, so I have some time to improve my confidence on public transport. Once I am offered a place, the therapy will take between 4 and 5 years to complete. We are talking about a long, life-changing, intensive course of therapy lasting a number of years, including one stage where I go in three times a week.
Whilst I am scared this wont work, terrified of what is going to come out and how to work things through, I know deep down that I need SOMETHING to work, and if this has even the slightest chance of working I would be a damned fool to turn down this opportunity.
So, wish me luck! I am going to need it. I am willing to put in the hard work to get the results, and prove to everyone that Mental Health problems do not mean our world has to end… it just means we have to work a little harder than others.